So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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