you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I think I sprained my soul last night
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
