how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
