Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
