Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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