You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
