My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
