this just has baby written all over it
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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