My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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