News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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