I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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