I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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