My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
