capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
