i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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