life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
