Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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