discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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