What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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