Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
