I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize