I have demons in me.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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