im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
