I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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