I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
