my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
