I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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