I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
