dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just gift wrapped bread.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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