Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
