Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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