He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
