Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize