sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
