I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
