running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
