oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Randomize
