i think my tv is drunk
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
