I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
