sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
