sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
