I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
