He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize