Will you blow on my dice?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I could make wine with my vomit
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
