My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
