I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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