watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
