At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Randomize
