Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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