Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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