I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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