If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize