Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
