when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Non-Jews are for practice
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
