I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize