Pants 0. Shit 1.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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