Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
