If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize