mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
