I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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