you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I still have a little drunk in my system
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
