I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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