I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
