My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
