Your dad touched me again.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
