god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
